Chuck Norris Jokes

Anyone that knows me, knows that Chuck Norris is my hero. Honestly, he’s the greatest human being on Earth. Because of such, there are many “Facts” written about him and posted on the internet. Thus, here is our collection of the best Chuck Norris jokes on the internet.

Chuck Norris Facts

  • There is no ‘ctrl’ button on Chuck Norris’s computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
  • Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
  • Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.Chuck Norris
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
  • Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
  • When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald’s because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
  • The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
  • Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
  • Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
  • The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
  • James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
  • Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
  • Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you’re thinking to yourself, “But Chuck Norris isn’t black”, then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.